my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
