Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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