I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
