my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
