I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
