who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
