i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
