God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
