my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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