Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
