We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
