It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
