Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
