Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
