my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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