I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
