I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
