Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
we're so committed to being not committed
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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