R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
