Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
