Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
