Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
