Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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