I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
