You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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