When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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