My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
