Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
