Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
