Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We need to get me chipped asap
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
