Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
