I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
