If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
