I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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