hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
