Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
