The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
