That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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