I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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