this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
