Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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