You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
