Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
