Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
