I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
