Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
