when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
