evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
