Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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