If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
