Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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