if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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