YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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